So, I'm Home.

                 Yeah. I'm back in Maryland. I don't know what to say really beyond that. I wont be hiking the whole trail this year. There are a lot of reasons I came back home, but I don't want to make excuses and say that I had to come back home, because I didn't have to. I chose to come back. Basically, the main factor was loneliness. I was also getting my cluster headaches everyday, which really sucks, but I could have overcome that. Honestly, I prepared for the trail in a lot of ways but I didn't prepare for it enough mentally. And I thought I prepared for that aspect adequately. Eventually it got to the point where I was hoping to speed up my pace to get to Harpers Ferry. I knew if I got through the smokies that I could do it. But I didn't want to dread every day. It's weird to explain, but my 16 days on the trail were defiantly the hardest thing i've ever done, the loneliest thing i've ever done, and the most rewarding thing i've ever done. I think the person 16 days ago would be really really pissed and be all 'woe is me' right now about what happened. But i'm trying to see it as a start at something I refuse to give up on. In all the people I met on the trail, I only met one person younger than me (by five months). Most people were in the 26-30 range or the 50-65 range. Also, almost everyone had a hiking partner. So i'm not going to let this stop me from trying to spend more and more time by myself and enjoying that time. That's my ultimate goal. Before this I had spent exactly one night alone while backpacking when I was 19. This time I was gone for 16 days. I went 150 miles. In other words, I could have walked from my house to DC and back home. I could have gone a lot further, but I decided I wanted to get out and start trying to get ready for another run at this next year or the year after. I plan to do a three week trip through VA/WV/MD/PA when some people get close to home.

                    Basically, this is what happened on the trail. I met amazing people. I learned how to walk in spite of anxiety. I learned that I was more than the sum of my problems. I learned that this is the start of something and not the end of it. I met a got who called himself Gollum and was British. I danced to the Avett Brothers to combat loneliness. I got over things that happened at home and accepted things. I didn't see a single person for a day. I set up my tent in the thunder and lightning and spent the night totally alone. I survived 15 degree nights when it was snowing. I learned how to listen better. I started meditating (which is amazing). I cried almost everyday. Certain things hit the fan at home and I had to deal with it. I went through every emotion on earth. I actually talked with my mom and father about how I felt. I missed my dog and brother (in that order).

                     Now that i'm home, I already think I shouldn't have left. I definitely failed based on the goals I set up. I probably should have kept going. But I don't have enough money now to do it, so i'm going to start preparing for next year. I'm not going to stop trying, and eventually I will hike the whole AT. I just need to work on it.

                   "Decide what to be and go be it"

Major Sacrifice

So anyone who knows anything about me knows that my hair was one of  three cool things about me. My hair may not have been as awesome as this guys....

Fact: Every time Tom uses conditioner, a puppy is saved.
Also one strand of Tom's hair cures all diseases. He doesn't let us have any cause he's selfish

...but it was still pretty okay. I would say that I was in a top 10 hair phase of my life. I haven't really sacrificed anything for the trail besides not seeing so much of my friends.Which has sucked. The idea of me leaving for 5 months and it looming ahead has put a strain on a lot of friendships. I've planned a lot and went up the same mountain over and over again with a 30 pound pack, but I didn't have to take anything away from me to do that. But the idea of not showering for five days with long hair made me want to...I don't know...made me want to do something bad. Like throw up or die. I almost always take a shower in the morning. I love clean hair.

So I've known for a long time that before I leave I would have to shave my head. Or cut it really short. Like, middle school hair short, when I used to walk with a hunch and people called me Mr.Man-Boobs. 

Of all the physical things people use to show who they are, I think hair has to be right up there with what we wear on a daily bases. You judge people by how their hair looks. Relationships have ended with a bad haircut. One of mine did. (true story) 

Anyway, I went from this.                                                TO THIS

                                     




                                           
There are no words to describe the transformation. On the left, I am myself. Dorky and silly looking. On the right. Well. I don't even know what i'm doing (crying, screaming?) but I look like a rapist. And I'm horrible with introductions. Now, when people see me stuttering along the trail or talking to myself, they'll think "oh god, better go to the next shelter" instead of "this kid is weird, but look at him! so cute!"

This is the first time the trail has felt real. For all the things it will do to change me, this is the first one I have really noticed. It is no longer something that is far off in the distance. It's less than a week away. The future planned has become the future present. Thinking of far away futures is sort of like thinking of really good memories. I think I read that in a book somewhere. But, either way, it's here. I'm scared shitless. And it would be the cool thing to say that I like it. But I don't really. Just scared.